Heiko Julien is the author of "I Am Ready to Die a Violent Death."

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Dream Journal (Melatonin): dreamt that i was at a haunted baseball stadium with my family. the umpire (a charming teenager) bestowed upon me a very special sugar glider who enjoy taking hot baths. he gave me a tiny crown royal bag to wear around my neck that somehow doubled as a miniature hot tub and, low and behold, the mini marsupial would just sit still in there, submerged up to its neck. i loved that guy and i loved my family. do not remember the baseball game, i think there wasn’t one. may have had something to do with the haunted nature of the stadium (dark lighting, but we had a good time.)

Status Update: woke up at 8 am, put on teeth whitening strips (day 4 of regimen) and am presently sitting in the tub listening to elevator music, unsure if i am depressed or not. i think i probably am but only a little bit.

Life: life is extremely unfair and complicated (wow). i am lucky in a lot of ways and unlucky in others (wow). how do you become a workaholic? i would like to be lost in work until i die like some of america’s finest adults.

Musing: i think it’s possible that bigfoot has been found many times but i do not believe this is likely or plausible.

Confession: sometimes i am filled with so much doubt i can’t find the words to speak so rather than ramble or speak slowly, i smile and nod. charlie chaplin wrote a song about this once, the smiling when you don’t feel like it. it was called “smile when your heart is breaking.” i think about that sometimes. he married a 16 year old girl, j.d. salinger’s fiance, in fact. i would have left salinger for chaplin too. sometimes you get dumped. especially if you were heartbroken to begin with. felt like saying “life is a zero sum game” but don’t actually know what that means.

Agenda: when my teeth are white i’m going to smile more often. hopefully you mean it when you smile. i don’t think we would like to watch ourselves if we were recorded all the time, do you? maybe if you were some sort of narcissist. but social media is pretty narcissistic and everyone uses that.

Fact: in the middle ages, the franks would settle disputes by branding the accused with an iron. if the wound healed quickly, they would rule that god(s) had given his/(their) blessing and acquit the victim. if not, they’d assume the accused was guilty. when we look back on procedures like this, we might feel as if people were primitive and stupid a long time ago, that we have learned a lot since and are now somewhat more enlightened. what if it’s not that different. what if, just like today, a handful of shrewd people had to devise methods of compromise that would provide a workable solution that could appease everyone, knowing all the while that the explanation was bogus?

Conclusion (Moral): maybe making it work is all there really is to do. most of us don’t want to, not really. too much work. and most of us suck. so that makes a lot of sense.

things aren’t always as they seem, america.

for instance, dominos recently introduced what appeared to be a new pizza—with a breaded chicken crust. now before you launch into early-aughts daily show-esque hur dur ‘murica rhetoric, please, if you will, recall another dish that involves breaded chicken + melted cheese + marinara sauce. that’s right. chicken parmesan. but try telling that to the agitated harpies in the huffpo comment section blowing off self-righteous steam with so much kale-stank breath. granted, virtually Everything is difficult to understand and you gotta stand for something in this damn world lest you risk being like the proverbial ship that goes wherever the wind blows. nevertheless, fair facebook friends, be careful where you lurk. if you aren’t, you may develop Bad Opinions that do not make any sense, and one day soon you may find your prejudice has rendered you unable to discern between what is pizza and what isn’t.

Captain’s log: Wednesday, April 16th. 1:45 P.M.

Have become hopelessly addicted to Facial Feedback Exercises.

Grinning like a goblin on purpose all up in this Whole Foods.

The good vibes, albeit consciously induced, are undeniable.

Smiling even more than everyone else.

Feeling guilty for possibly triggering their Fear of Missing Out disorders.

Middle-aged woman is noticeably tightening her grip on hemp grocery bag (reusable, fashion-forward.)

Vibes are turning sour.

Environment becoming contaminated.

Send help and moisturizer with CoQ10.

My face hurts and I’m concerned about developing laugh lines.

(Source: gungnirv2)

(Source: chubbymanatee)

Avid Odd

once i learned how to breathe

i was fine
but i forget
from time to time

i’m done with work now

i have time to care about you

sorry you lost your way
i’ve barely found mine and it’s a hell of a bitch
to hold down

there will be a disease without a cure
your computer may betray you

i’m looking for riches in the wrong places
you don’t even know who you are right now

technology is making us all afraid of each other
it is breaking my heart 
sometimes a little bit 
to a lot

i wonder if kid rock is having as much fun as it seems
he probably is


spicy snack foods sending children to emergency room (attempting rite of passage ceremony), experts claim, 2014


spicy snack foods sending children to emergency room (attempting rite of passage ceremony), experts claim, 2014